Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
