you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize