Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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