I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
