you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
