omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
