you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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