I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize