I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
