so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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