My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My vagina is officially offended.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
