Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
