do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
