My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
