Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
