He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
