I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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