God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
