Too much gin, very little bucket
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
