how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
