we have pet lesbian snakes
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
