my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
