toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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