Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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