I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
