Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
