Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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