Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
