I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
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