I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
nutella sex= disaster
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
