remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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