i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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