some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
