walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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