where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
