puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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