There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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