Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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