Cold hands, warm shart.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
