remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
