Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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