i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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