Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
