I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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