Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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