I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
