Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
