She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
