Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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