If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
