a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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