is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
