I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Randomize