So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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