All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Randomize