You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
