I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize