Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
