Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
