Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
