I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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