i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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